Because Addiction Isn't Fun
by BeautyforAshes7
Summary: Jim Beckett frees Kate from herself.
1. Chapter 1

Kate shuffles the financials around. She feels so close to breaking this case wide open so that she can get justice for her friends. Her heart beats wildly as she thinks about how solving this one last case will make her free. It will put a salve on the hole in her body that never quite feels full. At one point it did, when she decided to quit her job and run after Castle. She had found freedom from the deep desire and need then. It wasn't because of Castle (although that was a wonderful benefit). It was because she had done the work needed to make peace with herself. It was only because she did the work that she was able to be the right woman for Castle.

When Kate hears the knock on her office door at this time of the evening, confusion reigns through her head. Who could it be at this hour? She had sent Vikram home earlier when it didn't appear as though they were making much progress.

"Come in," Kate says, a look of surprise filling her features as she sees who it is.

"Katie," Jim Beckett says, his voice coming out softly but filled with reprimand.

"Dad, what are you doing here?" Kate scrambled with her paperwork. She hadn't told her father about the separation and wasn't willing to do so now. Maybe he wouldn't notice the extra blanket on her couch and assume that she was just working late.

"I was in your neighborhood checking out a new AA meeting and thought I would stop by the loft to surprise you. What I found instead was your husband drinking a glass of scotch and looking like he hadn't slept in days," Jim's eyes surveyed the room, landing on the blanket spread over her couch.

"He shouldn't have told you," Kate's voice lowered, filled with guilt over what she was putting her husband through.

"He didn't want to," Jim grabbed a chair and sat down next to Kate, "I recognized what was going on and asked him outright. I've seen that before."

Kate's face blanched as she remembered what her life was like as a 19-year-old whose father was drowning himself in alcohol. Either way, she couldn't be lectured by her father right now. She needed to solve this case and then go home and fix her marriage. She knew why he was here, but it's because he didn't understand.

Jim Beckett grabbed Kate's hands without her permission, forcing her to look him in the eyes. "Katie, did I ever tell you about your mother's addiction?"

As soon as her father said the word "addiction," Kate's hands tightened. Her mother never had an addiction. All her mother ever did was fight for what was right, no matter the cost.

"What are you talking about?" Kate asked, "I knew that alcoholism ran in our family. Did mom also struggle with that?"

"No, that was just me…and your grandpa," Jim continued. "Kate, your mom was addicted to finding justice. The problem was that she loved finding justice more than she loved you or me."

"Dad, that's not true," Kate's heart sunk in at the concept of her mother loving anything more than she loved them. She was an amazing mother in every way.

"Kate, I never told you this because I didn't want to change your perception of your mother," Jim hesitated, his mouth tightening as if he was about to deliver news that would break the very foundation that Kate relied on for life.

"I asked your mother to stop investigating the case that got her killed. I begged and pleaded with her because I knew what would happen. She had gone down several rabbit holes for cases during the course of our marriage. When you were eight years old, we almost divorced because of it."

Kate removed her hands from her father's and sat back in her chair. She didn't know what question to ask first.

"What? How could it be that bad? What stopped you from getting divorce?"

Jim's eyes met Katie's dead on, "When you were eight years old, your mom was chasing a case that would get her killed and it almost did. That day, she came to me, telling me that she realized what she was chasing wasn't worth our marriage. She let the case go and put it behind her. She admitted that she had an addiction and would work on it. She started attending therapy, understanding trigger points and coping mechanisms. She got better and our marriage was great, for a while."

"What happened with that last case?" Kate was terrified to ask, a part of her already knowing the answer.

"I saw all the signs, the late nights, the uncontrollable drive. I begged her to go back to therapy. She told me she was fine, that she had it handled. She didn't." Jim's eyes filled with tears, remembering that when the police officer told them what happened, he felt guilty; because, while he was devastated at the loss of the love of his life, he didn't even feel a little surprised. He couldn't bring his wife back, but he could stop his daughter from letting this devastating addiction destroy her life too.

A rush of emotion took root in Kate's body. Her father could have been speaking about her. She remembered Castle saying that he had seen her behavior before. She wondered if that had been him noticing triggers.

"Katie, I'm here because you have it too. That drive inside of you that doesn't feel quenched until you solve the case, that's addiction. Solving the case won't take care of it. It may only allow it to stay dormant until the next time a case of this magnitude comes up," Jim's voice softened.

"Dad, I don't know how to fix this," Kate whispered, her body shaking. How could she do this to her husband? How could she dishonor the one man that had loved her through everything? Castle was waiting at home, heart breaking because she had chased an addiction over him. But even with that knowledge, she still found herself wanting the addiction. The need to solve this case filled every inch of her being, edging out the room for anyone else to come in. She loved Castle, needed Castle, but how did she quench this fire that filled her? How did she put him back to the number one position in her heart?

Jim took Kate's hand again. "You have to get help, honey. Don't throw your marriage or your life away because of this thing. You need to treat this like an addiction. Get into therapy and stay in therapy for a while. Understand your triggers and how to cope with them. Stay away from the things that will drag you down the rabbit hole."

"What if I already messed up my marriage too much?" Kate's eyes pleaded with her father's to give her some magnitude of hope, something that would tell her it would all be ok.

"Honey, you need to let Rick know what he's dealing with. He's married to an addict. I think on some level he already knows that. But you need to let him in on the struggle. He needs to understand your triggers and how to cope with them. He needs to join you in therapy and attend therapy himself. You need to let him take this journey with you," Jim paused, as if uncertain if he should say the next thing.

"What, dad?" Kate questioned her father, scared of the underlying hesitation that she saw in his eyes.

"Being married to an addict is hard, honey. I know he loves you and will work through this with you. Because his love runs so deep, he will forgive you again and again. But that's not fair to allow him to do that. You need to let him in on who you are completely, all of you. From now on, you need to deal with your addiction together. You can't ever do this to him again, because if you do, I'm going to advise him to walk away," Jim looked down at the notes that Kate had gently covered up and then drew his eyes back up to Kate's.

"Consider this your intervention."

Kate nodded and squeezed her father's hand.

"I hear you loud and clear, dad. Thank you."

Jim loosened his hand from Kate's and got up from the chair. He gave her a hug and opened the door. Before walking through it, he turned around,

"You know that this is because I love you so much, right Katie?"

"I love you too," Kate said through the tears that threatened to fall down her cheeks.

As she watched her father go, she realized that she felt completely different from the moment he had walked through the door. It was as if the case that had gripped her body and soul had loosened a little and she was starting to see it for what it was. It had control over her. As the realization that she had given up the most important person in her life for her addiction began to take root in her mind, she made a choice. She decided to make two calls. As she listened to Dr. Burke's voicemail, she left a message with urgency, asking for the first available session that he had during business hours.

Her heart pounded as she pushed the contact information for the next person on her list, barely a ring occurred when she heard his voice, a note of question in his hello that broke her heart whenever she heard it these days.

"Hi Castle, can we talk?"


	2. Chapter 2

**"More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse." –Doug Larson**

Castle opens the door to the marriage counselor's office and sees Kate already sitting there. He has to stop himself from running up to her and gathering her in his arms. Two nights ago, his wife called and told him what he already knew, that she had chosen her addiction over him. She then apologized and asked him to take her back. A part of him wanted to ask her to come home immediately, spend the rest of the evening exploring her body and remembering why they fell in the love in the first place.

Unfortunately, a whole other part of him was terrified. His wife had chosen a case over him. How could he fully put his trust in her again? As Kate listened to his fears, they both agreed that they would ask Dr. Burke for a recommendation to a trusted marriage therapist. Kate would move back home this weekend and they would start the process of healing and rebuilding a life together.

As Castle took a seat next to his wife, the therapist handed a few sheets of paperwork to him.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Montoya, if you could sign these confidentiality forms; we can go ahead and begin the session."

Castle read through the forms as quick as possible and then signed his name to him. He was eager to get this started.

The doctor began speaking, "I am a little familiar with why you are getting marriage therapy with me today because of the referral information you both gave me. Why don't you tell me what you feel is the most difficult barrier in your relationship right now?"

Kate fumbled with her hands, playing with her wedding ring, "About a month ago, I left my husband. There was a case I was involved with that I felt was too dangerous to work with him on. I understand now that I was a chasing an addiction and need help with that."

Dr. Montoya gently nodded at Kate and then turned her head to Rick, "Why don't you tell me about your biggest barrier?"

Castle had thought a lot about what he wanted to say during their first session, he didn't want to hurt Kate in any way, but he knew that he had to dig under the surface to start the healing process. Knowing that what he was about to say would be difficult, he put his hand over Kate's."

"I don't trust my wife," he felt Kate's hand tense as he held onto to it tightly "I know that she loves me. But I don't trust her to be my partner anymore. I fear that one day she will deem another case more important than me and run away. What if one day we have children and I have to explain to them why their mother didn't come home one evening, why she decided that chasing justice was more important than them?"

Until he completed what he had to say, he had avoided meeting Kate's gaze. Now that Castle was finished, he met her eyes, seeing two tears falling down her face. Nothing made his heart break more than seeing his wife cry. But this was their future. If they weren't honest with each other, nothing would be left to fight for in their marriage.

His thoughts were interrupted by Dr. Montoya's next question, "It sounds like some difficult barriers are in place. Once trust is broken in a marriage, it's a lot of work to get that marriage back on track. But the beauty of a marriage that has been tried by fire is that it remains, and usually burns brighter than it ever did. Kate, can you tell me your response to Castle's fears?"

Kate's lower lip trembled, her other hand reaching to grab Castle's so that she could face him.

"I know I screwed up, I get that now. I don't think I realized how much of a hold this addiction had on me until my dad talked to me. I thought when we got together that I was fixed and would never have to deal with it again. Babe, I'm so sorry that I gave up on us, even for a moment. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild this life with you."

Castle eyes fall over his beautiful wife. He knows that she means what she says right now. He knows that she believes she loves him. Everything about her shows that she wants them more than anything. But something is missing, some piece of the puzzle that has never quite been put to rest.

"We need to visit your mom, Kate," Castle says almost at the same time he realizes it, "You need to tell her what this has done to you. You need to take her off the pedestal and realize that both of you not only share a desire for justice but also an addiction that supersedes your family. Kate, your mother loved you and was a great woman. But she also was a big cause in the problems you have today. If we are going to move forward with our future, you have to make peace with the person that she actually was, not just the hero that you have in your mind."

Kate lets go of Castle hands and sits back on the couch. He could tell she was pulling away from him.

Dr. Montoya spoke up, "Kate, what are you feeling right now?"

"Angry," Kate said. "How could you ask this of me, Castle? You know how I feel about my mom. How can I be angry with her? She died alone." Kate's voice dropped and she continued, as if understanding something for the first time. "She left me alone just because her quest for justice was more important than I was. It was more important than our family." As Kate felt the words fall out of her mouth, seemingly without permission, her whole body trembled. "

Castle, how you can ever love me again? I did the same thing."

Castle put his arm around his wife and let her tears fall.

"I will be with you every step of the way. I'm not letting you go. When you are weak, I will be strong. I won't let you choose this quest over our family."

Kate's tear stricken eyes meet Castle's.

"Let's go to cemetery."


	3. Chapter 3

Kate gripped Castle's hand, holding so tightly that his palm began losing pigment. As they trudged along, making their way closer to Johanna Beckett's grave, Kate released Castle's hand. Her knees fell to the ground as her entire body crumbled. Hands covered her face as Kate whispered,

"I can't."

Castle inched forward, appearing as if he wanted to pull her to him and make it all go away. Instead he stood, watching her, as if he realized that he couldn't make this decision for her. Kate felt as if her entire body was betraying her. Feeling as if her sweater was cutting off her circulation, she yanked at the collar. Breathing deeply, the searing in her chest felt like a bullet, an emotional pain that could have rivaled the pain of the bullet she took five years ago.

If she truly let this quest go, what was she? If she was honest with herself about Johanna Beckett, wasn't she betraying her mother? The woman who had loved her and championed her deserved to be cherished, not yelled at.

That moment images began playing out in Kate's mind. It was as if a recurring dream that had long been forgotten in the fog of her childhood reappeared. Her mother; coming home late and working until dawn, barely moving from her desk at home to say goodbye to Kate as she left for school. Her third grade play, where she had worked hard and won the envied role of the butterfly. Johanna Beckett missed that play even though she had promised to be there. Instead, when Kate looked eagerly into the crowd, her smile vanished as she saw her father sitting alone, an empty seat occupying him. When she asked where her mother was, her father told her through a tight smile that her mother got caught up at work.

Kate didn't understand the things of adulthood at the young age of eight. She only knew that her mother hadn't been there for her. She missed some of the most important moments in her life. The stories began to come together her mind as she remembered what her father had said about that year. This was the season where Johanna was digging herself deep into her addiction, forsaking all others, even her own flesh and blood.

That moment Kate lifted her head and walked towards the gravestone. She would NOT be her mother. Her children would spend their lives knowing that they had a champion through and through. She would not leave them alone to be raised only by Castle, wondering why their mother thought anything was more important than them.

As Kate lifted her head and stood up, she brushed off her jeans and met Castle's eyes. As she took in this amazing, wonderful forgiving man that she had been blessed with; she grabbed his hand and observed her mother's grave.

"Mom," Kate began. "I love you and always will. But I understand that you are flawed and let an addiction take you away from us. I am also so angry with you for how you chose anything over dad and I. How could you do that, mom? How could anything be more important than your daughter and the love of your life?" As Kate continued speaking, tears began to fall. Castle loosened their hands and put his arms around her shoulders, supporting her in case her knees buckled.

"Why, mom? Why didn't you love me enough? Why wasn't I enough for you?"

Kate's shoulders trembled as her hand reached out for Johanna's name, written across the stone. Johanna Beckett was the name that had been her legacy, the one that Kate had been fighting for her entire life. Kate turned around to see Castle's face, broken over all that they had lost. Kate had done the same thing, chosen a case over him again and again.

This ended now. She was ready to leave the past where it belonged and move towards a future with the man she loves. In order to do that, she needed to make a big change, something that would allow her to begin anew.

"Castle," Kate began, eyes flitting up towards her husband.

"Yes," Castle answered, pain filling his features, a note of question in them.

" I want to legally change my last name."


	4. Chapter 4

Kate Castle took her father's arm, feet moving forward as she heard the sound of the music. It was the day that they had been had been planning for, the thought of it filling her with excitement for the past six months.

They had made a decision that night at the cemetery. She and Castle would spend one year completing intensive therapy, working together to learn how to navigate their marriage. One year after that moment, they would stand up with close family and friends and renew their vows, have the wedding that they never got in the first place.

Kate's eyes crinkled as her eyes met her husband's, a renewed depth in their exchange. For over the last year, their relationship had been tried by the deepest form of fire. They had ventured into areas of pain and agony, ways that they had hurt each other even before becoming a couple.

For Castle, learning that he had been enabling Katie's behavior was the lightbulb moment, the time when he understood that while Kate had issues to work through in her addiction, he had been giving her a free pass by chasing after her rather than confronting her. Castle spent hours working with Dr. Montoya individually and in marriage therapy with Kate, learning how to stand up for himself, to be strong for their family.

Kate had to learn to let Castle into all aspects of her life. Both Dr. Burke and Dr. Montoya had also firmly suggested that they create a circle of support with their closest friends, to discuss how to be kept accountable with what they were learning.

Eight months ago, they sat down with Jim, Alexis, Martha, Esposito, Ryan, and Lanie. They discussed triggers and warning signs for both of them. They gave their friends and family permission to hold them accountable when they weren't seeing what was right in front of them.

At the end of the conversation, Jim approached Kate individually and wrapped his arms around her, tears threatening to fall down his cheeks.

"I'm sooo proud of you, Katie." Jim moved back and then shook Castle's hand. "I'm glad you decided that she was worth it."

"She's always going to be worth it," Castle smiled at Kate, a look of admiration in his eyes.

The breakthrough happened six months ago, when Vikram approached Kate, telling her that he had figured out who ordered the hit on her AG Team. She momentarily felt that rush of adrenaline coursing through her veins. But then she looked down at the "Always" bracelet that she had decided to wear every day, a constant reminder of what she really wanted.

She shook her head,

"No."

Kate pointed Vikram towards Rita with the information and to this day, has no idea what came of it.

Later that night when she told Castle what happened; he intertwined his fingers with hers and met her gaze.

"Kate, I'm so proud of you. I think we should start planning our vow renewal ceremony."

So here they stood, in the Hamptons, surrounded by their closest family and friends. Even Gates was able to take some time off from her busy position at 1PP. Early on in this process, Kate had found herself confiding in Gates about her rehabilitation. Gates confided in Kate that she, too, had once dealt with difficulty in her marriage over her job.

"But no job or case is worth throwing away the person that has your heart."

From that point forward, Gate's and Kate had gone out to lunch a couple of times a month. Kate had found surprising strength in Gate's friendship.

As Kate moved closer to her husband, she let go of her father's arms. Her hands reached for the man that had been her light in the darkness, a second chance when she didn't deserve one.

She had spent ample time writing and rewriting her vows for the renewal. She wanted her vows to reflect all that they had been and were becoming. When asked to start, she had to swallow to keep the tears from falling down her face.

"Rick Castle, you are my second chance of life. Without you, I'm not sure that I would be here. Because of your unwavering love, you have set me free. You took a journey with me that you didn't have to take. When it would have been easier to walk away, you remained and fought with me. You fought for me."

Drops streamed down her face as she continued, "I love you with a depth that I didn't even know I had. I promise that when life becomes too difficult to manage, I will run towards you instead of away. I now believe that the best is yet to come. Always."

As Castle began his vows, she noticed him swallow, as if always trying to hold back tears.

"Kate Castle, I never knew that I could love someone with the depth that I have experienced with you. It takes a person of great strength to admit their weaknesses and get help. I have observed you fighting for us every day for the last year. In your weaknesses, I have seen the amount of strength that you possess. But I've also seen how deeply you want us. In your vulnerability, you have allowed me the profound privilege of knowing the hidden depths of your soul. I promise that when life becomes too difficult to manage, I will run towards you instead of giving you space. I know now that the best is yet to come. Always."

As Kate stared into her husband's beautiful eyes, she couldn't believe that they had gotten here. For all her mistakes, this man next to her was the greatest blessing that she didn't deserve.

She looked down at the dark red dress she had chosen for the occasion. The beautiful tea length gown was questioned by several people. But she knew that this was the color she wanted to wear to her vow renewal. For after researching what different colors meant, she had chosen this to represent the next fifty years of their journey. For the dark red represented only one thing.

The color of redemption.


End file.
